The hard work is over, and you’re finally a graduate. Congratulations! The best times are behind you, and from here on out life’s as much fun as touring a rest stop bathroom–so utilize these five easy steps to maintain a wretched existence.
5. Get wasted and post photos on social media. Life’s short, so party hard. Get puking drunk at 3 a.m. and post multiple videos so you can replay it over and over with your friends. And don’t be concerned about anyone knowing about it––those spam and finsta accounts are secret––it’s not like anyone can take screen shots. Also, if you’re uneasy about a future employer finding photos that make you look less than hirable, throw that worry out the window. All those corporate folks are just a bunch of old people who can barely work their iPhones, much less find things on the internet about you.
4. Be wary of anyone new and different. Being judgmental is key to not making new friends and getting to know people. It’s important to determine likeability by the clothes people wear, the cars they drive, and levels of education. Be extra cautious around anyone who may come from a different state or country–no one needs the frustration of trying to learn about new cultures and places. Seek out others who act and look exactly like you.
3. The truly special moments in life can only be captured on your iPhone camera. If there isn’t a picture, it doesn’t matter. The things that are worth getting excited about are the gorgeous places that look great in photos. Don’t go anywhere that you aren’t proud to show off on Instagram or Facebook. Try to get as many likes as possible, then you’ll know it’s a success.
2. Do NOT get sucked into the mindset that you need to volunteer and give back to your community. This one is like dodging dog poop in a yard because you’ll constantly be looking around to avoid stepping on it. Leave this mind-numbing task to the people who have nothing better to do with their time. Your talents need to be focused solely on getting yourself ahead in life, not assisting some stranger. Those people who need “help”––kids that can’t read (Hello, where are the parents and teachers?) and homeless people (It’s their fault for being lazy)––make them someone else’s problem.
1. Never listen to your inner voice. Every decision in your life needs to be weighed against what your friends will say. What you want to do isn’t important if your friends may oppose it. Plus, it’s a lot easier letting other people do the thinking.
Now get out there and spend all that graduation money-and don’t worry about writing those stupid thank-you notes!